THE POWER OF ULTIMATE DECISION

The story goes on like this:

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SPECIAL GROCERY LIST

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store.

She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.

She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can. '

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'OK' he said, 'put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.'

Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed a amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:

'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store.

The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said;

'It was worth every penny of it. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'

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FINDING A LIFE PARTNER

5 Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr. /Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll
say: "We're in love." I believe this is the number 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.  When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way:  If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time?  Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a munch?A munch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?  A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world:  People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give.  By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?  If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot you--who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others?  Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well. 

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married.  As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ...for the worse!"

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

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Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.  Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?  Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn't really that important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.  Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. Trust
2. Communication,
3. Intimacy,
4. A sense of humour,
5. Sharing tasks
6. Some getaway time without business or children,
7. Daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch,
a note),  
8. Sharing common goals and interests,
9. Giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure,
10. Giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment if these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain WILL replace the passion.

There it goes,
so happy hunting for your partner for life!!

WHY ARE BLACK WOMEN SCARING OFF THEIR MEN?

WHY BLACK WOMEN ARE SCARING OFF THEIR MEN?

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, got her Master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet she's single.

Or maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, and committed. She sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, and attends every committee meeting. She loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband!

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady - or as she prefers, an African woman-on-the move. She spots a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She’s an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself - organizing women for self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone.

What do these women have in common? They have so much. What is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him?

The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men.

They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else.

I know these women because I am among all these women. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?” it finally dawned on me to ask the question, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH WOMEN?" What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise. But the relationship building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only seek to gratify you, but also satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes it means creating the peace in the first place.

Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved.

Being acknowledged, as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else.

Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career - or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an ”I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man may be attracted but, he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life.

Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had. But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she’s seldom "there" for him for the preliminaries that might develop into a commitment to a woman. She's too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own.

Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she’s playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship.  When she's 45, she may wish she'd set different priorities while she was younger.

It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees. Couples I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," she told him. "What do you say about our marriage?” the man asks. Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce.

Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler one is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home.

Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, the contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget their more traditional feminine attributes. Men value women best for the ways they are different from them, not the ways they are the same. Men appreciate women for their grace and beauty. Men enjoy women for their softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men.

A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But, when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker.  It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and wilful in our own ways. Not having a husband allows a woman to do whatever she wants, when and how she wants to do it. Having one means a woman has to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered.

We are terrified of marriage and commitment - yet dread the prospect of being single and alone. Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage. To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity.

I'm not preaching a philosophy of "women should be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I - and many of my smart and independent sisters are out of touch with their feminine centre and therefore out of touch with their men.

We Love Them

We Love them

 

We can never be this strong without them

We never knew we’ll love them like the way we do

And we love it when they love us

They save room for us

We want them to stay a little longer

We sometimes fall and falling hard but we are falling from grace because of them

We lose hope at times somehow they find a way to give it back to us

How they tell us (you don’t have to be brave) but we want to and for them

How they haunt us when they not with us (missing them)

We are not saints

But they make us look like the perfect angels…..

How they keep us on our feet

We will always remember

That passionate kisses under the summer rain

We will be working sitting behind our desk, minutes before going home thinking of how they will be waiting for us.

How her perfume smell still on your pillows and we are just grabbing it like it was them.

How we will watch movies and their heads on our shoulders and how we wish that movie doesn’t have an ending

We will look at them and think what a beautiful lady so materialized

How they make us listen to all that silly love songs

Every time we see their face there

Is a part of us that can’t bear to let go.

They make us lose words to say

And bring out the best of us at times (like me….)

How they will say that we will find that better day

 

And for once in our lives

We have found the key to our dreams is

 

Love them